Change requires support from a specific kind of friend

Brain research tells us people are more likely to learn and change behavior in a community where they can hear themselves and others talk about their experiences and feel safe to try out new skills. There's a reason counselors conduct group work, right?

Not everyone has the luxury of having a group of people at their disposal, but even two people can make a community. Which got me thinking about who we have to help us when we are trying to make change. Many times people in our immediate circle are invested in us just the way we are, and making change is threatening. Which brought me to speculate about what I see as our potential support, one of two very different kinds of friends.

Friend number one is our "kiss ass" friend. They laugh with us and cry with us and mostly think we're adorable. They go along with every stupid decision we make, and never question our actions. Picture the love of a Golden Retriever.

Friend number two is our "kick ass" friend, the in-your-face one who always has an opinion, is brutally honest and isn't afraid to give us unsolicited advice. Picture the love of a Chow Chow.

I don't think either of these friends is much help when we need support to make change. The first will put up with us when we procrastinate, "You'll make that change when you're ready, don't worry." The second will make us defensive with sarcasm or the inevitable, "You need . . ."

I decided we need to find someone that can play a role somewhere in the middle. Someone who unconditionally regards us and the change we want to make, supports us when we're down without rescuing us or giving advice, and asks good questions to help us bring the things we can't see clearly to the forefront to make us think and learn and keep on fighting. Oh, and patient for all the times we fall short of our goal. Making change is a battlefield. Don't go it alone. But choose your friends wisely.