Speaking your truth paves a path to change

I've grown in my ability to spot and surrender to confounding human paradoxes; you know, the simultaneous and incongruent feelings that leave us dumbfounded (joy and fear, relief and sadness) and exhausted. Uncomfortable feelings often sprout into honest (if not heated) conversations otherwise left in the vault locked away feeling no particular intention to speak, but simmering in their own silence. Of course, it's always easier to see in others, and coaching people through their dilemmas and growth has given me ample opportunity to add to my own instances. 

The stress of some event likely erupts these brain teasers. Like when Sweetie had to endure that awkward moment when the children, obviously beside themselves with excitement, watched me open their special Christmas gift--a couple months after he bought me the same item. He was silently crushed that I wasn't able to say, "Wow, how cool. Too bad Sweetie bought me one already. How about I trade this in for the speakers I still need?" I was just so excited that they had bought something so meaningful and prideful it never crossed my mind to let them down. Sigh. 

With you as my witness

One of the benefits of my COVID-induced isolation has been to slow my pace to a speed that allows me to observe rather than rush through my days (most days). There's little on my schedule, giving me margins for reflection unwittingly unavailable in the past. For that I am grateful. Here I am with an abundance of discretionary time, and I find it still takes a lot to manage just me each day. There are only two adults left in our home, and still, I'm a lot. And it's not because my memory is bad. It's because, like a petulant child, I have some simple things I cannot make myself do automatically, no matter how important they are . . .

Change requires support from a specific kind of friend

Brain research tells us people are more likely to learn and change behavior in a community where they can hear themselves and others talk about their experiences and feel safe to try out new skills. There's a reason counselors conduct group work, right?

Offering your support: expert, savior or facilitator

Parents are a well-meaning bunch when it comes to supporting their kids. We all want the best for our children, and will often go to great lengths to be "helpful." We would all do a better job if prior to every opportunity to help and support, we review the roles available to us and choose wisely. As you can imagine this consideration applies to all well-meaning people trying to help friends, family, even employees.

When someone asks for our help (hopefully we wait to be asked), we get to choose:

Pick yourself up

It's highly likely that by now your new year's resolutions are at best a struggle and at worst a fading memory. You are not alone. That's what human beings do. We make some change, then fall off the wagon. We make some change, then fall off the wagon. How predictable. How annoying! Problem is we live in a throw-away culture. It's easier for us to toss in the towel than to put our heads down and persist.

Lean in to transition . . . and then eat cake

I was summoned to a women's circle that I am rarely able to attend because of time and distance. It's run by a couple of wise women in the their 70s who provide comfort and inspiration through reading or writing, but certainly talking and eating. I have always had the feeling that some of what these women do has a little magic.

I have become my mother!

I remember the day I was standing in the narrow hallway of the ranch-style rental I lived in with my daughters, hand on hip, speaking in a voice that could only be my mother. There I was in her image, saying the words she would have said to me. It was a perfect example of "family of origin" stuff.  Family of origin is roughly the imprinted behaviors implanted into our own lives from habits that belonged to our ancestors. 

Asking for help

When I was a high school senior my boyfriend, knowing I was a pretty good seamstress, asked me to make him a jacket. With zipper, cuffs, a collar and such, a jacket is challenging, especially on brushed corduroy.  But I was ready, picked out the pattern, bought and prepared the fabric, cut out the gorgeous deep brown fabric and set about making what promised to be a show-stopper. I followed the instructions to the letter, except when I carefully sewed the right sleeve into the left sleeve hole. Not only had I sewn the main seam, but I stitched a line about 1/4" from it in order to reinforce the shoulder. I was devastated. I pouted. For about 3 months.

Be the change

This is Paul. 

He likes hugs and believes the world could use more of them.

And so he offers hugs to passers-by, no pressure, just silent offers of kindness. He likes making a difference, one person at a time, whether they hug him or not. Paul is being the change he wants to see in the world.

Change requires looking with different eyes

As a vegetarian traveling in a country of meat eaters I had tough restaurant encounters in Mexico where pretty much everything is made with meat, poultry and fish and their by-products. I was raised in a sanitized world where children are shielded from their food sources and meat is in packages wrapped and stacked in plastic. My first face-to-face experience with an animal head was walking through Quiroga in Michoacan on a narrow walkway between vendors to the square where one finds infamous "carnitas" (pork tacos). Something caught my eye and when I turned it was a pig's head all pink and dismembered staring back at me. I cringed and moved on quickly. So when I came upon this bloody shelf in Morelia's Mercado de Dulces, I decided to be a real photographer and take the shot even though it grossed me out, rather than pass it up because I couldn't handle something so foreign. Disregarding things one doesn't understand makes one narrow-minded, and going to places that scare me is a first step to understanding--something I aspire to do.

The road between yin and yan

C sent me a note asking for suggestions for quicker progress with some of the things she has identified as issues. Like me, she is trying to go with the flow more and hard charge less (the balance between yin and yang). I couldn't help but think of me at one of my first appointments with my acupuncturist. He made me cry working on knots in my shoulders before doing the needle thing. "It was pain that went into these shoulders and pain that's going to have to come out," he assured me.

Look to others for guidance . . .

. . . but steer your own course.

Making change requires . . .

. . . knowing when to paddle and when to go with the flow.

Behavior follows belief

If you believe everything is a planter, anything can become a planter.

Bearing witness

I enjoy weddings because of the profound thought and deep feelings they evoke. Yesterday's was no exception. In the late afternoon contrast of hot sun and deep shade I sat in a white plastic chair and watched the bride's sister walk up the grassy aisle, trying desperately not to cry. Her emotions lodged in my throat as she passed and I was struck at how quickly I was wrestled to tears myself.

Are you on the committee?

Those of us making changes in our lives have to watch out for time wasters--those things we have an opinion about, create an investment in and spend time and energy working on--like whether or not our daughter should charge rent to the squatter sleeping on the couch in her living room. These are time wasters because every moment we give them thought, they keep us from working on things we really can control, like putting on our shoes and going for the walk we keep promising ourselves we'll take. The truth is most of the time we are "not on the committee." The moniker itself came from a young woman I have known since she was a child. With humor she taught her mom and I about letting go of the things outside our control. Those things that will, sadly, be decided without us no matter our opinion (like whether or not our granddaughter will be named Agatha). We are not on many committees, although we act like we are. Maybe it's just a way to avoid committees that have the power to really change our own lives.

Pursuing dreams is a lot like work

A decade of work with people trying to make changes in their lives gives grist for my philosophical mill as well as private lessons of my own. Those who realize one morning they are living someone else’s life (not the one they had hoped for) have visions of a pivotal moment when the sky will open and lightening will strike their new life path at their feet. I can’t help think of my life as a flutist.

Dream up new ways of doing things

Pescado blanco drying on the Isla de Janitzio, Mexico.

Why wait . . .

until you're up to your ankles before you move your chair?

Helping others get unstuck

Here you go again. You are frustrated listening to your friend, or other loved one because they are stuck, and you are hearing the same sad story AGAIN because they can't seem to find the way or will to change their situation. Instead of telling them, again, how to solve the problem from your perspective (that trick never works), try looking for a place in your own life where you too are stuck, and work on that. By doing so, you model how to get unstuck, increase the likelihood of so-and-so finding the courage to follow your lead, and offer a karmic dose of medicine the rest of your tribe likely needs.