Unconditional and fearless

I first learned about "differentiation" reading David Schnarch's Passionate Marriage a couple of decades ago. The word itself came from the field of mathematics in the 1600s--think Isaac Newton. Over time, its meaning expanded into the fields of geology and biology. Schnarch's psycho-social perspective repurposed the word to describe the progressive, internal interplay of humans between autonomy (separation) and connection (togetherness). Schnarch is a sex therapist. Differentiation, however, goes far deeper as a practice than a remedy for a couple's sexual gridlock.

Differentiation is the ability to hang on to your unique self and what you need, even when those around you, including those you love, disagree. Differentiation is navigating your own boat and allowing others around you to navigate theirs. As long as we sail down life's river maintaining status in our own vessel, the trip can be smooth. If we find ourselves climbing onto the boat of another to adjust their navigation (control how they feel or travel the journey, or blame them for how we feel), we create a hazard. it's time to step back, climb back on our own deck and reflect on why we feel the need to navigate for others. There's plenty of work to be done on our own boat. In the end, differentiation is a gentle push for us to be all we can be by being who we are, and occasionally growing up and out of obsolete ways of being, especially in our relationships.

Human Design is the ultimate tool of differentiation. When I have my energy blueprint and you have yours, it's easy to differentiate ourselves from each other. What's important to keep in mind though, is as we learn about and begin to follow our energy it will not only be anxious/challenging for us, but as we adopt new behaviors and language to demonstrate new beliefs, it will have an affect on the people around us. We must choose to differentiate (our other choice is to fuse with the other by acquiescing, and lose a bit of ourselves). We must learn to speak about our choice to differentiate in a manner that honors ourselves and those affected. 

It can be difficult to say clearly who we are and who we want to be while others are trying to tell us who we are and who we should be (based on their past experience with us). But when we muster our courage to speak, Human Design calls on us to be two things: unconditional and fearless.

Unconditional (for self and others) 

We are unconditional for ourselves, love our own energy, honor our needs and are willing to speak our truth about it. We are unconditional for others, honor their energy and needs and are willing to hear them out. 

We approach our conversations and our loved ones, unconditionally--without reservations, absolute, no matter what. We know change imposes stress on a relationship and are empathetic to their angst. We honor the other person's needs because we care about them, and we honor our own because we care about ourselves. There's no either/or here. The solutions are and/both.

Fearless 

Once we have our Human Design blueprint (body graph), we learn about how our energy works and are working to reclaim it, we will have occasions to speak on our own behalf. I had to talk about my need for time alone, and what it's like for me to be interrupted, and about my underlying need for peace. Because I have a partner that is a busy Manifesting Generator with 3 motors, I had to talk about it more than once. The first time was when I had to vacate our shared office space because there were just too many interruptions. Interruptions make me angry. Interruptions are not peaceful. Being unconditional for who he is and the need to be at his desk, I could talk about my need for uninterrupted concentration and the pull I felt to find another space to work. 

One of my clients has 3 of 4 Integration Channels (grounded in the moment), and we have learned over time that her radar for where she lives is discerning and non-negotiable. She's had a few changes in living arrangements in the past few years. It took a while to recognize that for her, if the place didn't feel "right" at entry, it wouldn't. And she knows immediately if it doesn't. Her partner lives under the Right Angle Cross of Planning. All he wants is a plan. You can imagine how an under-informed couple might handle such a dichotomy. Having a way to discuss such differences, instead of making each other wrong is invaluable. Unconditional and fearless. Now they look using her radar as the gatekeeper, and his knack at planning takes over from there.

So go ahead, do the work, read a book, hire a coach. Learn about how Human Design can better your life. But do so without condition and without fear. Speak unconditionally and fearlessly. If you do you will have a satisfying, peaceful, and successful journey.