Loyalty to the absent . . . how gossip keeps us from being our best selves

Emotional 𖤓 Social 𖤉    Intellectual 𖧼

"Strong minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, weak minds discuss people."

Socrates

I grew up in a family of gossips. The elders’ conversations were filled with trash talk about other sisters and brothers who were never there to defend themselves. Worse yet, they intermingled and gossiped about the ones they were gossiping with on a rotating basis. Sadly I developed distaste for one of my aunts to a large extent because the effects of gossip. Even sadder I grew ever dissatisfied with my own Mom as a result gossip.

I married into a family where my mother-in-law went from household to household talking bad about the other siblings and their families. It didn't take me long to figure out when she wasn’t at my house talking about them, she was at their house talking about me. At a certain point in my life I realized this divisive behavior didn’t work for me. It made me feel awful. I lost trust. I took an unpopular stand with my birth family, affecting forever my relationships. 

Years later, while facilitating a retreat, I listened to the leader that hired me gossip about two people who were absent (one was her boss) in front of her staff. I cringed and made a note, then set a date to debrief our meeting. In our face-to-face I gently confronted her about the unintended consequences of her gossiping  with her team. She took it gracefully. We parted with a hug. And as we were leaving I opened my big mouth and said something flip about a fellow colleague. Sigh. I felt awful and apologized.

When I saw Enough Said, I left a bit conflicted. It was pegged as an insightful comedy that humorously explores the mess that often comes with getting involved in romance. But I finally figured out it’s a movie about gossip. Julia is a massage therapist who simultaneously begins a romance and takes on a new client that turns out to be the ex-wife of her new love. The poisonous trash talk the ex-wife inserts into Julia’s relationship almost kills it as she grows to look at her new love through the eyes of the ex-wife. No wonder it was unsettling.

But while I have raised my awareness to situations rife with gossip, refused to partake in gossiping conversations, distanced myself from those who practice such disloyalty, I find it to be a forever journey to stay on track. I work to keep the intimate details of my relationships and my judgments to myself, preferring to go direct when I’m ready. I’ve swallowed a lot of blood biting my tongue. 

I am most proud of my choice in our blended family that is comprised of two sisters and a step-sister. Because I refuse to gossip, I do not fuel conflict among or between them. I encourage my coaching clients that struggle with gossiping families to consider a boundary that allows them to opt out and save pain and drama. There are misunderstandings and cruelties that erupt, and it's exhausting to keep up with everyone's version, so I don't.

Emotional 𖤓

Social 𖤉