Seeker's Guide to Authentic Living: May 2020

Change requires support from a specific kind of friend

Brain research tells us people are more likely to learn and change behavior in a community where they can hear themselves and others talk about their experiences and feel safe to try out new skills. There's a reason counselors conduct group work, right?

Parents are a well-meaning bunch when it comes to supporting their kids. We all want the best for our children, and will often go to great lengths to be "helpful." We would all do a better job if prior to every opportunity to help and support, we review the roles available to us and choose wisely. As you can imagine this consideration applies to all well-meaning people trying to help friends, family, even employees.

When someone asks for our help (hopefully we wait to be asked), we get to choose:

Human Design is the ultimate tool of differentiation. Differentiation is the ability to hang on to our unique selves and what we need, even when those around us, including those we love, disagree. Differentiation is navigating our own boat and allowing others around us to navigate theirs. If we find ourselves trying to climb in others' boats (control how they feel or act, or blame them for how we feel), it’s important to retreat to the important work below our own deck. In the end, differentiation is a gentle push for us to be all we can be, and occasionally grow up and out of obsolete ways of being. When we attempt to differentiate, and talk to each other about our needs, it’s important to do so with two intentions.

I met Will at his office on Bainbridge Island in Washington State, a 3-hour train ride from Portland. Tall and thin with a stubble of beard, I employed him to introduce me to my spirit guides. It's true. I was driven to him by the dream and recommendation of a trusted writer friend who, much to my amazement, retold a vision I had in a sweat lodge some months before in a dream he had the night before.

Will did not reveal nor gather my spirit guides at my side. He had his own agenda, conjured in a few deep breaths and long gazes with penetrating blue eyes. He described for me the archives and journals he saw lined up around at my feet, lessons and counsel at the ready, and asked why I was caged in black rod iron. He asked what was holding me back from sharing my knowledge and know-how. He asked if I knew I had unique energy. He asked if I had heard of Human Design. He said I should call a woman in Olympia, who Will believed could help reveal to me the "Manifestor" he could see--the destiny, it turns out the neutrino field sealed at my birth. I'm a sucker for an intriguing portal, especially when it has quantum physics at its core. I had to know more.

It's highly likely that by now your new year's resolutions are at best a struggle and at worst a fading memory. You are not alone. That's what human beings do. We make some change, then fall off the wagon. We make some change, then fall off the wagon. How predictable. How annoying! Problem is we live in a throw-away culture. It's easier for us to toss in the towel than to put our heads down and persist.

Learn to sit

Emotional 𖤓 Spiritual 𖧏

The sweet dirt comes from patient composting of coffee grounds and egg shells.

Which side of the pole will you pick?

Emotional 𖤓

There's an awesome bike path close to us that has a spot on it where the turns are kinda tricky, you've got to move slowly and still stay balanced, and if I'm not clear which side of the metal post that symbolically halves the path for comings and goings, I am bound to run into it. I had to learn to make a clear decision on which side of the pole I was going to use to enter the path or I'd have a near accident every time. Life and change are a lot like that.

The power of community

Emotional 𖤓 Social 𖤉

"We are all longing to go home to some place we have never been — a place half-remembered and half-envisioned we can only catch glimpses of from time to time. Community. Somewhere, there are people to whom we can speak with passion without having the words catch in our throats. Somewhere a circle of hands will open to receive us, eyes will light up as we enter, voices will celebrate with us whenever we come into our own power. Community means strength that joins our strength to do the work that needs to be done. Arms to hold us when we falter. A circle of healing. A circle of friends. Someplace where we can be free."

Starhawk

Find out what you own

Emotional 𖤓

If we look too close we can miss what is in the background.

She details of her tenuous living situation and the events leading up to it.

"How long into this did you know you'd made a mistake?"

"I knew in the first year," she replied.

Control is an illusion

Emotional 𖤓

The noble work of growing up uncovers the truth that trying to control outside ourselves what we struggle to control inside, is futile. The inside work of letting go our need to control is a better use of our time.

Stuck

Emotional 𖤓 Intellectual 𖧼

"My shoulder is killing me," I whine to my massage therapist.

"Show me where on the diagram; describe the pain and when you feel it."

"To tell you the truth it's been going on for a while, it's acute today. But I've been feeling crooked for a couple of months. I think I had you work my left side just last visit."

He sits me down and starts poking around the area of pain. He hits a trigger spot.

"Ow."

"What do you suppose that is?"

"It's got to be Mom. Her life, and so my life, just gets harder and harder."

I was summoned to a women's circle that I am rarely able to attend because of time and distance. It's run by a couple of wise women in the their 70s who provide comfort and inspiration through reading or writing, but certainly talking and eating. I have always had the feeling that some of what these women do has a little magic.

Another day is done . . .

Emotional 𖤓

. . . were you who you wanted to be?

I have become my mother!

I remember the day I was standing in the narrow hallway of the ranch-style rental I lived in with my daughters, hand on hip, speaking in a voice that could only be my mother. There I was in her image, saying the words she would have said to me. It was a perfect example of "family of origin" stuff. Family of origin is roughly the imprinted behaviors implanted into our own lives from habits that belonged to our ancestors.

I am enough

Emotional 𖤓

Here I sit, bowl of stew warming my left hand as I shovel with my right an assortment of mostly white vegetables recommended by Chinese medicine to fortify the lungs for the coming winter. I am preparing myself, like nature does, to return to the earth, to introspection, to letting die off those things that don't serve me well in favor of rebirth in the new year. And I've figured something out. I am enough.

When I was a high school senior my boyfriend, knowing I was a pretty good seamstress, asked me to make him a jacket. With zipper, cuffs, a collar and such, a jacket is challenging, especially on brushed corduroy. But I was ready, picked out the pattern, bought and prepared the fabric, cut out the gorgeous deep brown fabric and set about making what promised to be a show-stopper. I followed the instructions to the letter, except when I carefully sewed the right sleeve into the left sleeve hole. Not only had I sewn the main seam, but I stitched a line about 1/4" from it in order to reinforce the shoulder. I was devastated. I pouted. For about 3 months.

This is Paul.

He likes hugs and believes the world could use more of them.

And so he offers hugs to passers-by, no pressure, just silent offers of kindness. He likes making a difference, one person at a time, whether they hug him or not. Paul is being the change he wants to see in the world.

Making mountains out of mole hills: catastrophizing stifles change

Emotional 𖤓

Carl Sagan told a story about early astronomers looking at a cloud covered planet Venus. They concluded it must be a tropical rain forest atmosphere much like when dinosaurs roamed the earth. Sagan mused, "Observation, we can't see a thing. Conclusion, dinosaurs." It is always helpful to get more data.

A little pleasure, a little pain

Emotional 𖤓

As luck would have it, on a day I am struggling to find the coveted happy place (instead of sitting in the malaise I'm really feeling), my wise friend Camille sends me an email thanking me for being significant in her life. She writes, “It isn’t the best of times for me, but the rough parts confirm that I am part of the human broil." Delight in a butterfly resting for an instant on echinacea, even knowing that in a few days, its bloom and the flower will be gone.

Instead of getting good at appreciating the melancholy, we spend much of our time trying to avoid the pain. The search for the happy place is linked with our insatiable love of pleasure, sometimes to our own detriment.

Grateful, I respond, "Your words are timely. I wonder who was supposed to prepare us for a little pleasure, a little pain. I guess it's something one learns to love. I still have a ways to go. But you inspire me with your wisdom. And for that I am grateful."

Change requires looking with different eyes

As a vegetarian traveling in a country of meat eaters I had tough restaurant encounters in Mexico where pretty much everything is made with meat, poultry and fish and their by-products. I was raised in a sanitized world where children are shielded from their food sources and meat is in packages wrapped and stacked in plastic. My first face-to-face experience with an animal head was walking through Quiroga in Michoacan on a narrow walkway between vendors to the square where one finds infamous "carnitas" (pork tacos). Something caught my eye and when I turned it was a pig's head all pink and dismembered staring back at me. I cringed and moved on quickly. So when I came upon this bloody shelf in Morelia's Mercado de Dulces, I decided to be a real photographer and take the shot even though it grossed me out, rather than pass it up because I couldn't handle something so foreign. Disregarding things one doesn't understand makes one narrow-minded, and going to places that scare me is a first step to understanding--something I aspire to do.

The road between yin and yan

C sent me a note asking for suggestions for quicker progress with some of the things she has identified as issues. Like me, she is trying to go with the flow more and hard charge less (the balance between yin and yang). I couldn't help but think of me at one of my first appointments with my acupuncturist. He made me cry working on knots in my shoulders before doing the needle thing. "It was pain that went into these shoulders and pain that's going to have to come out," he assured me.

Alone and short on maitri

Emotional 𖤓

Alone, insignificant, disconnected from enviable others

by internal chatter, self-loathings, often fear.

Surrounded by icons and noise, shades of superficial nothingness;

fenced by others' expectations, judgments.

Unable to love, let alone share,

the golden luster of your own light.

Look to others for guidance . . .

. . . but steer your own course.

Making change requires . . .

. . . knowing when to paddle and when to go with the flow.

Behavior follows belief

If you believe everything is a planter, anything can become a planter.

Bearing witness

I enjoy weddings because of the profound thought and deep feelings they evoke. Yesterday's was no exception. In the late afternoon contrast of hot sun and deep shade I sat in a white plastic chair and watched the bride's sister walk up the grassy aisle, trying desperately not to cry. Her emotions lodged in my throat as she passed and I was struck at how quickly I was wrestled to tears myself.

Those of us making changes in our lives have to watch out for time wasters--those things we have an opinion about, create an investment in and spend time and energy working on--like whether or not our daughter should charge rent to the squatter sleeping on the couch in her living room. These are time wasters because every moment we give them thought, they keep us from working on things we really can control, like putting on our shoes and going for the walk we keep promising ourselves we'll take. The truth is most of the time we are "not on the committee." The moniker itself came from a young woman I have known since she was a child. With humor she taught her mom and I about letting go of the things outside our control. Those things that will, sadly, be decided without us no matter our opinion (like whether or not our granddaughter will be named Agatha). We are not on many committees, although we act like we are. Maybe it's just a way to avoid committees that have the power to really change our own lives.

The wisdom of Cousin Jim

Emotional 𖤓

Jim won everyone's heart from the moment my cousin brought him to the first family gathering decades ago. It was more what he didn't say that set him apart in a family of too many talkers. Through the years he spoke when he had something to say and like E.F. Hutton, when Jim spoke we all listened.

For their 40th wedding anniversary we took them to dinner theater and as we were waiting in line I asked him his advice for staying together for such a long time in the era of disposable relationships. He thought for a while and then with a grin said, "Well you know when you get together with someone there are things you love about them and there are things you don't like so much. My advice would be to learn to live with the things you don't like so much because you're probably not going to change them, no matter how hard you try."

Emotional 𖤓

Pursuing dreams is a lot like work

A decade of work with people trying to make changes in their lives gives grist for my philosophical mill as well as private lessons of my own. Those who realize one morning they are living someone else’s life (not the one they had hoped for) have visions of a pivotal moment when the sky will open and lightening will strike their new life path at their feet. I can’t help think of my life as a flutist.

Passing out lollipops

Emotional 𖤓 Social 𖤉

There was a mysterious and delightful email in my inbox this morning and Saturday’s leisure allowed me to follow its trail. While I didn't recognize the sender’s name or address (nor anything on his LinkedIn page), based on what he mentioned in the text he obviously knew me. He mentioned having read a piece I wrote that inspired him, he knew about my writer’s hat and was using a one-page instruction I peddle in my classes outlining key actions for self-care. Following it has made a difference in his life. There was a piece of me that felt badly I couldn't remember this man, but there was a larger piece that was blown away because a person I touched, likely teaching a college course, was living better because of a connection with me.

Sweat and then rest

Emotional 𖤓 Physical 𖧽

I try to avoid the vinyasa type of yoga. Vinyasa is the “flow” yoga, which is a euphemism for “kick-your-butt-in-75-minutes-or-less.” I admit to being intimidated by a class whose nickname is “power yoga.” Picture awkward body positions, and then envision them laced together one after another in a kind of frenetic dance.

Finding balance by prioritizing what's important

Emotional 𖤓 Social 𖤉

"You know," he says so no one can hear "the lessons we learn here in class are good for work, but they make a difference at home too."

"Wow," says me, "Can't tell you how much that means."

Pescado blanco drying on the Isla de Janitzio, Mexico.

Why wait . . .

until you're up to your ankles before you move your chair?

Helping others get unstuck

Here you go again. You are frustrated listening to your friend, or other loved one because they are stuck, and you are hearing the same sad story AGAIN because they can't seem to find the way or will to change their situation. Instead of telling them, again, how to solve the problem from your perspective (that trick never works), try looking for a place in your own life where you too are stuck, and work on that. By doing so, you model how to get unstuck, increase the likelihood of so-and-so finding the courage to follow your lead, and offer a karmic dose of medicine the rest of your tribe likely needs.

Start a revolution

Two decades ago a high school friend sent me a t-shirt with "Stop bitching, start a revolution" printed in white on black. It terrified me. I love the idea of taking action, especially when that action is driven by passion and gift. But the shirt leaves an acrid in-your-face taste in my mouth. It finds its way to the bottom of the drawer year after year, but I truly want to be the kind of person that wears that shirt. So I find myself cleaning out drawers and closets for the annual Spring/Fall exchange, and find the shirt yet again. So I fold it on top of the stack and place it in plain sight on the chair in the corner, demanding a decision. Do I place it in the discards, or keep it, and after all these years, wear it.

be unconditional (with self and the others) and fearless (based on your true energy).

Who am I now?

Who am I now you are gone and I must live without your love and support?
Who am I now the kids are gone and no one needs my help?
Who am I without my job and too much time on my hands?
Who am I now I cannot run or jump or ride a horse?
Who am I now that things have changed?

Who am I now that nothing is the same?
Who am I now?

Learning to cry to heal the heart

Emotional 𖤓

"The body long remembers what the mind soon forgets."

Jacob Levy Moreno

I've finally learned to cry. Until a few years ago, I didn't know I didn't cry, or I guess I thought my ability to suck back the tears and figure things without them out them resulted in some kind of Medal of Honor. What I found out is my ability to move forward on the changes I’m trying to make in my life was arrested by old stuff lodged in my heart.

Using your internal knowing to figure out where to go and what to do

Some revelations are a long time coming, though the word "knowing" itself connotes a sort of sky-opening-angel-singing moment of brilliance. Mine started at the University of Oregon with one of my favorite faculty members and accomplished writer, Robert Sylwester. As a writing coach he urged me to “Write about what you know.” I knew then it was a nugget meant to direct my craft, but I assumed at that point it was my job to go out and learn stuff so I could know enough to write. It’s taken me decades to figure out what a profound piece of advice he proposed.

I am face down on the kitchen floor, afraid to move. I'm not sure how bad my mouth is bleeding. I want to rescind my thoughtless scurry from my bed down the dark hall to turn off the beeping hot pot in the kitchen. I loathe landing face first on the extra hard bamboo after sailing over the open dishwasher door I left open. I am alone, fearing the worst. And so I cry, sob from somewhere deep within, a bizarre feeling of connection with everyone who has ever been hurt, alone and afraid.

"As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

I've been thinking a lot about the impact I have on others since I read John Daido Loori's words in The Zen of Creativity. Because I teach public university classes I meet as many as 100 new students/month; I am sensitive to what I leave behind. Loori's words have been lingering for some time.

My own fear as a teacher might sound something like

"will people like me,
will what I say be worthwhile,
will I appear stupid,
will I be enough"

Loyalty to the absent . . . how gossip keeps us from being our best selves

Emotional 𖤓 Social 𖤉 Intellectual 𖧼

"Strong minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, weak minds discuss people."

Socrates

I grew up in a family of gossips. The elders’ conversations were filled with trash talk about other sisters and brothers who were never there to defend themselves. Worse yet, they intermingled and gossiped about the ones they were gossiping with on a rotating basis. Sadly I developed distaste for one of my aunts to a large extent because the effects of gossip. Even sadder I grew ever dissatisfied with my own Mom as a result gossip.

Don't settle . . . ask for what you want

One of the equally delightful and annoying things my sweetie brought to my life is a knack for asking for what he wants. He was raised on the east coast, me on the "left coast." He learned it can't hurt to ask. Not only did I not learn to ask, I never learned how to glean what I want from others' expectations of what I should want. He has made me squirm with some of the things he has asked others for. . . tickets, parking places, meals, you name it. He is that engaging stranger you are compelled to invite to dinner. But often people give him things because he has the courage to ask. It alternately delights and confounds me. But his behavior has undeniably affected my own.

Vacation is change. We pack up our belongings, travel some distance and change everything about our lives--what we eat, where we sleep, the entire envelope of our existence. How we deal with vacation can provide insight into how we deal with change in the rest of our lives.

Breaking through the certainty barrier

Certainty is the feeling of confidence we have when we’ve figured things out. We are wired to move quickly to eliminate the uncomfortable tension of not knowing. The bad news is, certainty only serves to keep us stuck in status quo.

Yoga is a practice meant to make me strong, flexible and balanced. Every breath I take, every twist I make is meant to build a habit of focused mind/body work. Since I started almost two decade ago I have learned something in every class, about yoga or myself. Yoga itself is a change-making ritual. Anything we might practice with love and kindness every day is likely to stick, and to creep into other parts of our lives. What I know about change I really learned from yoga.

"Speak your truth so that others can find the courage to speak their own. Share your stories so that others can bond through sharing their own. Love yourself so that others can discover how to love themselves. Heal yourself so that others can find hope of healing themselves. Free yourself so that others can learn the tools to free themselves. If you want to save the world, save yourself first. The world will learn through your example."

Emily Maroutian

Stop and pet a goat

Emotional 𖤓 Social 𖤉

I can't resist birds or horses or goats. I cannot wait to touch them and hanker to go face to face. They are at once aloof and personable. They are curious.

Ready to make change

even when we're smart and really trying, change is hard

Humans are strange creatures, often waiting until forced to change rather than choosing to change before we "hit the wall." We see signs--frustration, anger, bitterness, disappointment--but we ignore them. We don’t act or we don't act consistently. Each time we ignore a sign we place a brick in the wall we eventually hit when all those signs add up to crisis. In order to make changes, we must be ready. Or know how to get ready, and take action, cast away hold habits, and sustain new ways of being. It's exhausting and takes time and patience, and there's no getting around it. In order to be a seeker of a more authentic life, you will have to change the way you do some things.

Awareness before change

Awareness November 2008

“I was hoping to come back and join you in bed,” my sweetie said clearly disappointed as he walked past me on his way to the bedroom after spending the night in the guest room where his back finds respite. “Too late,” I retorted, fully clothed, brewing a cup of coffee and unfolding my buttermilk pancake recipe. He continued to our bed, surely hoping I would change my mind. Standing my ground meant we missed out on the irreplaceable morning “spoon”—a defiance way beyond the occasion and very much out of character.

Caring for 7 aspects

Emotional 𖤓Social 𖤉Intellectual 𖧼Physical 𖧽Occupational 𖨆 Spiritual 𖧏Environmental 𖧨

We learned early on that "put on your own oxygen mask before helping other passengers" applied to life in general. If we don't love us first and act to fill ourselves up, how will we find the energy and fullness to deal when life is hard? Or when interactions with others seem difficult. We will already be spent.

She has given herself permission to practice perfect imperfection. She dances without shoes or choreography, arms and legs swinging in rhythm with her beating heart. She speaks Italian and Spanish without regard for conjugation or which goes first, verb or noun. She writes with a pen, leaving the pencil behind for those afraid of making a mistake.